Infertilty - My Personal Hell on Earth

35 Weeks

2009-09-04T08:58:00.002-04:00

Wow. Can't believe my due date is only 35 days away. Where has the time gone??? Life is pretty good. I feel good. More and more tired but that's normal, right??? I am starting to get the nesting instinct. I am planning to attack my fridge this weekend with a gallon of bleach and windex. The nursery is basically done. It just needs things put in their proper location. All of the clothese are washed and folded -- the babies, not mine! :) Andy is getting excited. He keeps sending me messages about the baby. I bought a Halloween costumer already. Our dog will be Shrek and the baby a Dronkey. It is adorable! I am getting bigger and bigger everyday day. I am hoping it is all baby though! Have been fighting off a cold/flu/sinus infection. Not sure what it is but I continue to infect everyone at work. Oh well!

32 Weeks

2009-08-14T11:47:00.001-04:00

Wow, I can't believe there are only 56 days to go (or less, hopefully). We started birthing classes this week. Very fun. We also finished putting up the border in the nursery. My showers are this next week and I am looking forward to those as well. The only bad thing is this freaking diet they have me on to make sure T-rex doesn't gain too much. I lost 2lbs in the last 2 weeks. Dr. says that's good. So I've gained a total of 6 lbs during the pregnancy.

30 weeks

2009-07-31T13:07:00.002-04:00

I had my level 2 u/s this week and everything is okay. The baby is measuring at 3 lbs. 10 oz which is too big but within the normal range and I have excess fluid so they are going to keep tabs on me. I passed my 3-hour glucose test but since the baby is so big they are going to send me to a dietician. Dr. said that even though I passed I might still get it yet and this way the baby won't get too big. I asked if they'd take me early if the baby is big and she said they don't like to for birth weight alone. We'll see. I hope (s)he's a little early. I'd like to be done with work!

28 weeks

2009-07-17T14:35:00.002-04:00

Not a good week in the baby world. Some people from our church lost their 8 week old baby to SIDS this week. I am not sure I can go to the visitation. I am not sure I can handle it, especially now. Had a bad ultrasound yesterday. Had to have another one becuase during my 22 week one they could not meaure the baby's heard due to his/her positioning. Well again, my stubborn child hindered them from seeing the heart again yesterday. She was able to see all 4 chambers but that's it. The heartbeat was normal -- 145, but they want me to go to a specialist to make sure everthing else heart-related is okay. Also they saw a "potential" skull abnormality that they want checked out. So Andy and I have an appointment at St. V's in Toledo for July 28th. That's an awful long way to wait. It's going to be a difficult 11 days.

Also I failed the initial glucose test so I have to have a 3-hour test on Monday. Fun, Fun.

27w4d

2009-07-14T11:53:00.003-04:00

Wow, all of the sudden I feel huge! As far as I know baby is fine. Kicks a lot down below so I am afraid it might be breach. I need to ask about that at my next appointment. I failed the initial GD test by 10 measely points, so I have to have a 3 hour test on Monday. Hopefully all will be well. I have another ultrasound on Thursday to measure the hear and to see if they can do a 3D/4D ultrasound on me. They are not sure they can due to my weight but we'll see. I am excited to see T-rex again.

25W4D

2009-06-30T14:04:00.002-04:00

Had my first shower last weekend. It was very nice. My grandma and aunt had it for me in Wisconsin where all my extended family lives. I received a beautiful baby quilt from my Gram and my other grandma crocheted me an afghan and washclothes - very cute! I received many adorable gifts, all of which make me even more excited for Baby T-rex to get here! I even got a dinosaur book, bib and t-rex robe! T-rex will be all decked out!

Baby is kicking up a storm. All the kicks are really low so I hope he/she turns around soon! We can't have a breach T-rex. Andy can't feel them yet but I certainly can. They make me laugh. I love it!

23w4d

2009-06-16T12:56:00.001-04:00

Had our ultrasound last week. It was wonderful! The baby is approximately 11-13 inches long and weighs about 1.3 pounds. Apparently the baby is measuring about 4 days bigger than I am pregnant. Also the belly is in the 86th percentile. I asked about changing my diet but she said I should be fine. Since then I have been worried about Gestational Diabetes. I have my glucose test next month but until then I need to curb the sugar intake. We did not find out what T-rex is but the tech said she new. I kind of want to call her and not tell Andy but then I'd feel guilty so I may as well leave well enough alone.

22 Weeks

2009-06-05T13:27:00.003-04:00

Nothing much new to report. Still haven't gotten the paint. Am hopefully going tonight. I have been super tired this week but otherwise great! Went with parents last weekend to pick out crib and such. Mom and dad got us our travel system. I am so excited. I just want to open it and put it in the car already. Premature I realize but I am thrilled. We ordered our crib and my MIL bought us the mattress. Can't wait to meet T-rex! 6 more days til' our ultrasound :)

21 Weeks

2009-05-29T15:47:00.004-04:00

I cannot believeI am over the half-way point. It has gone so fast! I had my 4-week check up today. Dr. P was able to find the heartbeat with the doppelar. This the first time I didn't have to have an ultrasound! The heartbeat was 140. I still think its a girl -- Andy wont say. Tonight we are going to Toledo to go buy the crib with our moms. I can't wait to show them all the things we have picked out. It looks like I am having 3 showers. Lori and Barb are having one for me in Wisconsin next month, Kaydrie is having a Garrett shower and Jen and Diane are having an Althaus shower. I can't wait!!!!

I am feeling good right now. I gained 4 lbs this month and am back up to where I started at my first appointment. I need to cool it with the eating now so I don't keep gaining 3 lbs a month! Other than being tired I feel great. I am a little dizzy here and there. I have a few pangs on my right side but the doctor said that was nothing to worry about. I feel like I look pregnant but I don't know if anyone else thinks I look pregnant. Can't believe I am almost 5 months!

Can't wait to meet you Adelyn/Garrett!

Half way point!!!

2009-05-22T08:16:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I am 20 weeks. The time has just flown. In the last 24 hours I have become paranoid that we won't get everything done in time. We still haven't painted the nursery (although we have picked out the colors!), we don't have a crib yet, we haven't gone to Tennessee to get Barb's stuff, I don't know what to buy, I am sort of freaking out!

Pregnancy wise I feel great! I have my next appointment next Friday. As of my last appointment I was still under what I had started with but in the last month I've gotten my appetite back so I am sure that is not still the case.

Can't wait until my next ultrasound!

19w4d

2009-05-19T12:20:00.001-04:00

Boy am I tired. I dread what it'll be like in a few months when I'm ready to pop. Otherwise everything is very good. I am eating again, trying to exercise some, and have started working around the house again. I am tired if being in a vegitative state. I need some movement! I'm not sure how much I am showing since I am already overweight. Just another reason to envy skinny people. Better guages of baby bumps! Can't wait until June 11th when we get our next ultrasound!

18 Weeks

2009-05-08T16:40:00.002-04:00

Wow, I can't believe I am this far along! Life is good. I can eat again. I sleep a ton. I can't feel the baby kick yet but my doctor said at this point that is not unusual. I am loving the spring, planting flowers, ect. I can't wait to meet our little Baby T-rex!

17 weeks

2009-05-01T08:10:00.002-04:00

I am 17 weeks today. I can't believe I am almost half way there. I had my check up this week. I've gained 3 pounds since my last check up but I am not yet at my first appointment weight. They couldn't find the heartbeat again with the doppler so I had to have another ultrasound. The heartbeat was fine -- 150. The baby was all scrunched in a ball so we couldn't get a good look at him/her. I still think it is a girl. I would start calling the baby Adelyn but if it is a boy I don't want to insult him! :) My nausea has pretty much subsided and I have a little more engery. I've started cleaning the house again and am anxious to get some flowers planted. Our next appointment is after Memorial Day and then the "big" ultrasound is two weeks after that. We are still not going to find out what we are having unless the baby is straddling the camera at our ultrasound in June. We've picked out the nursery colors but have not yet painted. We need to start getting furniture too. The last 17 weeks have flown by if the next 17 do I'll never be ready for Baby T-rex!

Week 15

2009-04-17T16:46:00.002-04:00

So I am pretty excited because food is my friend again. Man o man did I miss it! Not much new in the pregnancy front. I am still sleeping a lot but so far the 2nd trimester is a ton better than the first!

Registry

2009-04-13T16:25:00.001-04:00

My DH and I went and started our registry this weekend? I know it's early but rumor has it my aunts are having a shower for me next month or in June so we went ahead and started picking stuff out. It was so overwhelming. Not at all like wedding registry. Fun though :)

Week 13

2009-04-03T10:32:00.004-04:00

I had my 4 week check up this week and they couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler so I had another ultrasound. Yea for new pictures!Baby looks good. He/she was all stretched out sleeping. The heartbeat was down to 155 again. Due to being sick all the time I lost 7 lbs. Other than that everything is good! I'm now sporting maternity clothes all the time and am loving them! My m/s is starting to subside a little so I am able to eat some normal food now.

Week 12

2009-03-27T12:13:00.003-04:00

Wow I have been awful about keeping this thing updated! The last 5 weeks or so have been just dreadful! Morning - afternoon - night sickness has kicked in and all I do is vomit. I can eat pretzels and apples and that's about it, throwing in the occasional Mc'D's cheeseburger. I finally got a prescription this week for the nausea but it puts me to sleep so I really can't take it during the day while I am at work. A few weeks ago I started spotting so I went home from work. A week later I started again and of course freaked out. I ended up going in for another ultrasound. Everything was fine. They said a had a pool of blood gathering at the base of my uterus near my cervex so it leaking out into the cervex. They said they are pretty common -- like a bruise but I stayed home for a couple days because they didnt' want to aggravate it. My next OB appt. is April 1st. Since I am about out of the first trimester I think I'll be more comfortable after that time. I am still afraid to buy anything and we haven't begun to pick anything out either.

I will try to be better and updating this thing!

1st U/S successful!

2009-02-27T12:25:00.003-05:00

We had our first ultrasound on Wednesday. We have one itty bity baby in there. The baby was measuring right at 1/2" and the heartbeat was 155. Dr. S played the heartbeat so loud and so long it was just wonderful. He said he could listen to that all day long. I've been released to my OB, another Dr. S and have my first appointment on the 4th. I can't believe this ball is finally rolling!

1st U/S today

2009-02-25T08:40:00.002-05:00

Well today is the big day. I am very nervous. I didn't have to get up to pee last night so of course I have to dwell on that fact. Andy keeps pointing out how crappy I've felt lakely but I choose to ignore him and focus on my fear (that's just how I roll!). The u/s isn't until 3:45 this afternoon so it's going to be a long long day. I am keeping my fingers crossed for two embies so we never have to deal with this again but like I said before I have a feeling their is only one pumpkin head growing.

6 W plus

2009-02-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

Well I've been feeling okay. Nausea has kicked in so I feel like crap most of the time, not that I'm complaining!! Really I am . . . a little. Can't wait for my u/s next week. I hope both embies stuck but I have a feeling I am having a singleton. I will be happy no matter what as long as my baby(ies) is healthy.

4th Beta

2009-02-09T13:30:00.001-05:00

My 4th and final beta is 2702.3!!!!! Yea! One hurdle down, many many to go! Now I can sit tight until my u/s on the 25th.

Had a scary morning. I slipped on the ice and fell on my a$$ in my work parking lot. Of course I freaked out and came home to lie down. My RE's office said it was good that I fell on my butt instead of my belly and I should be okay but to let them know if any "odd symptoms" may arise. So far so good. No spotting or severe cramping.

God, please let this baby(ies) be okay!

3rd Beta

2009-02-05T12:50:00.001-05:00

333! I am creeping up to 1000 slowly but surely. I have my last beta on Monday. My ultrasound has been scheduled for February 25th. I am still in the "cautiously optimistic" stage but I am getting a little better.

2nd Beta

2009-02-02T12:45:00.001-05:00

RE just called and it jumped from 37.5 to 147.3!!!! I am thrilled. They are happy too. I have to go back Wednesday and Friday to get tested again and when my beta level reaches 1000 I will have an ultrasound done. I can't wait!!!!

BFP!!!!!!

2009-01-31T20:17:00.002-05:00

I had my first beta yesterday at 11dp3dt and it was 37.5. My RE's office said they would've liked it at 50 but that I am viably pregnant. They want my beta to have doubled by Monday when I have another beta test. They told me to be "cautiously excited" but I am completely excited with a side of uncertainty. This is my first and maybe only BFP ever and I want to enjoy every moment.

7dp3dt

2009-01-26T19:59:00.002-05:00

I am getting nervous. I got my P4 today and it was 93.4 and the RE said that is a great number. Also there were a ton of BFP's on thebump.com today. I am afraid that I am getting my hopes up again and I will be one of those women who make the 50% sucess rate even out. Some days I feel like I am pregnant. I feel great, no pains at all. Other days, like today, I have a twinge of a cramp and am worried it is AF rearing her ugly head. I don't know what I will do if I get a BFFN on Friday. I'm not sure I can take more bad news. 23 months is enough.

2WW

2009-01-21T12:33:00.002-05:00

Well the last week didn't really go as I had planned. I had my ER on Friday, Jan. 16th. They ended up only getting 5 eggs (with an expected 10-12). It hurt like a bitch and the women who did it has the compassion of a rock. When they called on Saturday they said that they were able to ICSI 4 of them and 2 of them fertilized. So on Monday (Jan. 19) we transferred two Grade A 4 and 5 celled embryos that I have named Cashew and Garbanzo. My first beta test is on the 30th. I keep talking to them coaxing them to grow and latch on. Hopefully I am being pursuasive. If not I don't know what we'll do. We have no more plan b's and no more money. Keeping my fingers crossed for a BFP!

Stim Day 12

2009-01-14T18:21:00.001-05:00

I had my 3rd follie check today. I actually got to see my RE, Dr. G. He said he should be able to get 10-12 eggs on my retreival. I trigger tonight and go in Friday morning. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED! I know it will be painful and distressing but I cannot wait to go. One more step closer to a BFP.

First Follie Check

2009-01-08T12:12:00.002-05:00

Just got back from my first follie check. Today is Day 6 of stims. The doc who didn't was very forthcoming with the information but I managed to get out of him that my lining was 8 and I had 12 follies with the largest being 11. Some of the smaller ones were not yet measurable. He said that pending the bloodwork I'd probably have to go back for a second check on Monday. Not sure if this is good or bad but atleast I know where my numbers are at.

Stims - Day 4

2009-01-06T16:44:00.002-05:00

So this morning I gave myself my shot and when I took out the needle blood shot into the air and landed on my eyebrow. Yuck! I of course, freaked out. What we won't do for a BFP! Update on my symptoms. I am a hot-flash queen. I wore a summer top to work today so I could bear the heat. Having some twinges in my ovaries but that it is all so far.

Stims - Day 3

2009-01-05T12:18:00.002-05:00

Well I hope I am doing this right. I have given myself an IM shot in the morning and evening now and I feel nothing. I figured there would twinges or something, but so far Nada. The hardest part about giving myself the shots is intentionally hurting myself. It burns going in, it burns when I push the meds in and it burns coming out. I've become a masochist! Must stay postive!!!

Stims - Day 1

2009-01-03T14:34:00.002-05:00

I got up this morning all ready to do my shot. First off I was supposed to reduce Lurpron from 10 Units to 5. I totally forgot. After I did that one I moved on to my very first Bravelle shot. I have been so excited since the RE told me it was a go. So I diligently took everything out and sorted it just like the directions said (once a Brownie, always a Brownie). I took 1 cc of solution and injected it into the first vial. Then when I extracted it it was less than 1cc. WTF!!!! So rather than waste the meds I moved on to the second vial and mixed that too. Now, since I failed to suppress in November my RE said I need to do the stims IM in stead of Sub-Q. So I took off the Q-cap and put on the 1 1/2 " needle. Yikes! I realize the idea is to have your DH do it but I decided to do it myself for 2 reasons:

1. My husband was born with a birth defect I can never remember the name of that when he came out of the birth canal he was stuck so the doctor pulled him out by his right arm and subsequently destroyed many of the nerves in his right arm. So he has very limited use of his right arm. We call it his "bad wing" or the "t-rex".

2. DH is so nervous about hurting me that I just don't want to put him thru that.

So, I began measuring the middle of my thigh (one hand by he knee, one had by the abdoment, shoot up in the middle section). I started to put the needle and HOLY SHIT it hurt like a bitch! I did just what I was supposed to do though and asperrated to see if there was blood and there wasn't so I kept on. And then I bled for an eon.

If there is any question about how bad I want a baby, let me tell you this. To shoot myself up TWICE a day IM style is not comfortable. But I will do what I have to do to get pregnant.

Hopefully it'll get easier.

Last Day of the Year

2008-12-31T08:11:00.003-05:00

Wow, it's been a while. Good thing nothing has happened! Christmas was good. I cried a lot but what else is new right??? We had a good time this year. I needed that.

I started on 10 U Lupron this morning. I had my E2 test yesterday but I haven't heard the results yet. Hopefully I'll be able to start Bravelle this weekend and get this show on the road.

I am really enjoying acu. Too bad it is so expensive. I'd like to keep it up but we won't be able to afford that. It's a lot of money!

New Years Eve. Not much going on. We're going to go out to eat with my brother and SIL and then play games an such. Not the same when you cannot drink!

Update: My RE's office just called and my E2 is 24!! They wanted it below 80 to start stimming. I am so excited!

Still Waiting

2008-12-17T11:58:00.003-05:00

These past couple of days are just dragging. Two more weeks until I start Luron injections again. I can't wait. I am getting nervous reading all the posts on thebump. So many are on their 3rd and 4th IVF cycle and we could barely afford this one. If this doesn't work I don't know what I'll do. I love reading all the posts but it also scares me that I'll be one of the BFNs. I must stay positive! I love acupuncture. Hopefully my kidney, spleen and stomach are getting happier so they make my uterus happy to. I keep praying that I get a BFP. I guess that's all I can do, right?!?

The Waiting Game

2008-12-11T16:19:00.003-05:00

I had my first acu appointment on the 9th. I was really nervous but it didn't hurt at all. She walked me through everything. When I was done though I was so dizzy -- not sure if it was becuase I was so warm or if I was too relaxed. I really liked her she is Chinese and grew up having acu done on her so she is very familiar with it. She said she's done many women who are fertility-challenged.

Other than that I am just waiting. Waiting for Christmas, waiting for New Years and then waiting to start my stims on January 3rd.

On a positive note I have most of my Christmas shopping done so that is one thing I don't have to dwell on -- which is good becuase I am totally a dweller!

Lupron Depot Hell

2008-12-08T16:37:00.002-05:00

I am a crying mess. I looked up Lupron Depot's side effects and a bawling freak isn't one of them but looks like that is what I've become. I started crying at church yesterday becuase we sang Happy Birthday to the Sister who run our church. Not much of a ballad I think. I also spontaneously started weeping in Kohl's this weekend when a women with three screaming crying boys came in the store. I need help. Or alcohol. Neither of which I can get anytime soon.

Here We Go Again

2008-12-04T15:10:00.002-05:00

I got my Lupron Depot shot last night. Dr. Steve came over late last night to administer it. Wow it was scary looking! Anyway, didn't hurt, just took him a long tim to inject the serum (or whatever you call it). Anyway as of right now no side effects! Yea! So now in 28 days I will start the 10 unit Lupron SC injections again. If I remain supressed Janaury 3rd starts stims. Again, Yea!

After reading all of the posts on thebump.com I decided to look into acupuncture. My mom and husband cautioned me to check with my RE so like a good little patient I did. The RE nurse was actually really excited I was interested in it. She said women love it and may think it helped. So, I have scheduled my first appointment for Tuesday, December 9th. Last night at our office Christmas party I spoke to one of my bosses wives about it as I recently learned that she went for shoulder pain. She waid it was wonderful, that she was so relaxed that she started having "visions" whatever that means! I am so excited to start. I am trying anything to keep me posisitve about my upcoming cycle. Since it is unlikley we can afford a second cycle this will be our one and only hope. Plus it gives me something else to focus on which is really good. I have started knitting again and am trying to do Wii Fit regularly but my brain goes right back to INFERTILITY.

Trying to Stay Positive

2008-12-02T12:50:00.002-05:00

I am supposed to get my Lupron Depot tomorrow. I am trying to stay positive. I just can't help thinking that this is not going to work. There have been so many disappointments before and it is hard to fathom something good happening.

Waiting. . .

2008-12-01T12:25:00.002-05:00

I got my new IVF calendar. First I have a Lupron Depot 3.75 IM shot on December 3rd. Then I don't start the daily Lupron SC shots again until December 30th. Assuming I am finally freaking suppressed I will start Bravelle then on January 10th. Because I didn't respond well now my RE wants all of my stimming shots to be IM. Looks like Andy will have to step up to the plate since I have to do it twice a day and there's no way I'll be able to do it by myself. Oh well. The RE's office assured me that this doesn't affect how well the drugs stimulate becuase I kind of panicked after reading information on the Bravelle website. I am getting so anxious and trying to stay positive but I keep reading on my favorite websites about woment on their 4th and 5th IVF cycle. Wow, how can people afford it??? Being OOP I am scared this time wont take and then we have to be done becuase we'll never be able to cough up another $15,000.

IVF Cycle 1 - Canceled

2008-11-21T12:40:00.002-05:00

Got a call from the RE's office yesterday. Apparently they had their weekly IVF meeting and my file was the topic of coversation. Due to my E2 levels rising from 122 to 694 (WTF!) they are going to cancel my cycle this month. I am supposed to have a heavy-duty Lupron IM shot in two weeks and then will start the 10 unit Lupron injections four weeks after that. They said this IM injection will shock my system into submission They said that ER will be in Mid-January.

How do I feel? Well on the surface I'm pissed, but the more I think about it I am glad they are so careful. Since we are OOP we cannot afford to have cycles that just aren't up to par. If this will help me get a BFP in eight weeks then so be it. In the skeem of things waiting six weeks isn't that long when you've been TTC for 20 or so months.

My How Time Doesn't Fly

2008-11-17T15:44:00.003-05:00

Any other time in my life the days just fly by. I can hardly believe we have been TTC for almost 2 years. That's just crazy! However in the last 8ish weeks time has just creeped by. When we went to the RE in September and it was decided that ICSI was our future we were excited we got our bloodests right away, blah, blah blah. All we had to do was wait for my AF to start at the end of September and poof we'd be on our way. The trouble was AF didn't start. It ended up being about 2 weeks late and I had to go on provera (or something) to get it to start. Let's see that was about seven weeks ago and it may as well have been seven years ago because I can barely remember it!

Now some seven weeks later here I am again waiting for my freaking estrogen to go down so I can start the Bravelle injections. I was unbearable two months ago when they said the procedure would take eight weeks that I'd know by mid-December if I was pregnant. Then when the time was FINALLY here, oops your levels aren't good enough you're going to have to hold off another week and we'll check your blood again.

I don't mean to sound ungreatful or anything because my RE is wonderful, his nurses are wonderful and to date my experience has been, if not wonderful, certainly good. I am not a patient person. My husband proposed after 3 1/2 months after I kept asking him if "he'd visited my ring lately". Whether or not that was because of me I don't know, but I do know I'm not patient. Luckily for us he is so he can keep me in check. Anyway, back to my impatience. I waited a long time to find a husband. Not that I wasn't looking mind you, the proverbial he wasn't looking back.

While this post is really fractured I guess the bottom line is this, I am tired of waiting! I want the ER to happen already. I want to be pregnant already. I want to have a happy and health nine months and have the baby already.

Hopefully my blood work will all come back okay on Wednesday and I can start my stim injections and get this ball rolling. I just want to scream "All I want for Christmas is a baby bump, a baby bump, a baby bump. . .

Blood test/Ultrasound I

2008-11-12T14:14:00.005-05:00

I had a blood test and ultrasound today in Columbus. The RE (my usual doctor's partner today) said the ultrasound was fine. She measured each of my ovaries and said it looks like both of my ovaries are pushed back behind my uterus and are side by side. She said it would make ER easier. Well that is good news at least. However, my blood test was a different story. They like the estrogen level to be no higher than 80. Mine was 122. She asked if I had a period which I did, so she is scheduling another blood test for next Wednesday. My whole calendar is being thrown out. I won't be have ER the week of Thanksgiving. That makes me really sad and scared. I just hope this isn't the beginning of lots of bad things to come. I am trying to stay positive but so often in my life negative things happen WAY more often than positive ones. Hopefully I'll only be pushed back for a week.

Our Story

2008-11-07T12:22:00.002-05:00

My name is Danielle or Danni, depending on when in my life I met you. I met my husband Andy while I was bartending on the side. At first a good impression he did not make, but several weeks and several drinks later we hit it off and have been together ever since. We started dating on July 20, 2005, he proposed on November 1, 2005 and we were married November 11, 2006. From the beginning we had a great relationship. We were both from the same small town but had never met (he is 6 years older than I am). We we met I was just about to turn 31. I should have known then that because it took me so long to find the man I was going to marry it would take me about a lifetime to have a family.

From the time we got engaged bad things and disruptive things kept happening. I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia (a very painful nerve disorder) which I subsquently had to have surgery for in May of 2006, my now MIL was diagnosed with Ureter Cancer and had to have her ureter and kidney removed. Thank Goodness she is fine now! We also stupidly decided to buy, remodel and add on to a house the same year we were planning our wedding. The house is done now for the most part, but we certainly learned a lesson. We are never going to build or remodel again! So when our honeymoon came around in Feburary 2007 (we went to Nassau, Bahamas for my brother's wedding and decided to kill to birds with one stone), and we decided it was time to start to have a family I should have known it wouldn't be easy.

We officially began TTC in March 2007. The pills were gone, I stopped drinking, I tried to eat healthier, went to the dentist, had already had my yearly, I was ready to go! When it got to me six months TTC and AF kept showing up I started to get bummed out. When my best friend announced she was pregnant after trying for only three months I got pissed off. When a year rolled around and it seemed everyone was pregnant but me I became lost. I finally went to my GYN to discuss my issues. He began by giving my an HSG. Tubes were clear. He then started me on Clomid. During my first Clomid cycle he found a cyst during a mid-cycle U/S. He wanted to keep tabs on it and asked me to come back a couple weeks later. When I did it had nearly doubled in size. He subsequently scheduled me for surgery and essentially drained it. He said it was about the size of an orange. No damage to my ovary. Yea! But it was a small victory because he subsequently told me that I had a huge amount of scar tissue surrounding my uterus and ovaries and he said that if I was able to get pregnant it would most certainly be a tubal pregnancy. My heart dropped. He then gave me a name of an RE and also sent Andy off to be tested so we'd have those results ready.

Well, Andy's results weren't great. I can't rememer the number but I do remember there weren't very many, and they didn't want to go anywhere. The upside was that they were not irregular or deformed. My RE then had him tested again at their facilty and asked that we not have sex for a week before. This numbers went up but not greatly. Subsequently Andy had a whole battery of tests for chromosomal disorders and such and everything came out fine. My RE thinks it is probably just a vericocele. When we went to discuss our next option he said there was a 50% chance that a surgery on Andy would work but that would push back IFV approximately six to nine months. We had already been TTC for 18 months! We decided to start IVF and because of his sperm issues we are doing ICSI. For those of you who ready this and have no idea what that is, it is where the doctor injects one sperm in each egg, rather than a petrie dish free-for-all. That way each egg is fertilized.

So we are now embarking on our first journey of IVF. I started by being on BCP for 21 days. I started to give myself Lupron injections on Day 14. I am no off of BCP and am waiting for my first blood test and ultrasound next week on November 12th.

So far the drug hasn't been too bad. At first I felt nothing at all, but now I am a crying mess. I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night and when there was an emotional part, pre-IVF I would have teared some and moved on but not last night, I cried like a baby for about 20 mintues. Crazy! I am also really quick to get angry and paranoid right now.

Oh, and on a side note, while we don't have any actual human children, we do have four fur-babies who I wouldn't be able to do with without so I want to mention my son Arroyo (dog) and my three cat-daughters Hollie, Sadie & Gertie. They are the best!

I also want to thank all of the ladies on the infertility websites for all their help and support during this stressful time. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone it is nice to know that there are women like me who can identify with the struggles and emotions of this long hard journey into motherhood.